The past meets me at my doorstep, in the mirror, in a crowd of faces,
in the playlist on shuffle- yesterday sings to me. I’ve searched for new sounds, but
I’m not immune to the siren call I knew so well-
this disturbs me, ever slightly.
This interruption means the trickster Mercury is at the back of my heels. He announces his turning back with second-guesses printed on our eyelids,
disturbing sleep, splashing around then vanishing into our still waters.
I respond by making every merciless slight a step in my clumsy dance for life.
Real life- I know what it looks like, now.
The waves of emotions from back then wash over a tougher skin and
a more peaceful heart than before.
Yes, I have a long memory for feelings, but I forgive.
This is where the rose hips burst forth around my soul’s shoreline in autumn-
the space for their roots is carved out by forgiveness.
The past reaches my rocky coast, and I let it smooth the jagged edges.
Maybe others will swim there someday
A little boy with thick, dark hair,
His father, and my body, full of love.
And so I let it show me where I’m rough, soften me into today.
It is not easy, simple, or righteous, but it is life,
and I want life,
so on I go with the awkward choreography between this moment
and the next
and the last,
on I shake and tumble in the dark, wandering and
in the light, exposed, together with my trickster,
but so deeply committed to being alive while I’m here.
-December 20, 2016
Kaitlin Sansoucie 