The trickster effect and a new year

The past meets me at my doorstep, in the mirror, in a crowd of faces,

in the playlist on shuffle- yesterday sings to me. I’ve searched for new sounds, but

I’m not immune to the siren call I knew so well-

this disturbs me, ever slightly.

This interruption means the trickster Mercury is at the back of my heels. He announces his turning back with second-guesses printed on our eyelids,

disturbing sleep, splashing around then vanishing into our still waters.

I respond by making every merciless slight a step in my clumsy dance for life.

Real life- I know what it looks like, now.

The waves of emotions from back then  wash over a tougher skin and

a more peaceful heart than before.

Yes, I have a long memory for feelings, but I forgive.

This is where the rose hips burst forth around my soul’s shoreline in autumn-

the space for their roots is carved out by forgiveness.

The past reaches my rocky coast, and I let it smooth the jagged edges.

Maybe others will swim there someday

A little boy with thick, dark hair,

His father, and my body, full of love.

And so I let it show me where I’m rough, soften me into today.

It is not easy, simple, or righteous, but it is life,

and I want life,

so on I go with the awkward choreography between this moment

and the next

and the last,

on I shake and tumble in the dark, wandering and

in the light, exposed, together with my trickster,

but so deeply committed to being alive while I’m here.

-December 20, 2016

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